Tesla's Model S Software Info Leaked!!

"PatBateman" (PatBateman)
03/16/2015 at 20:02 • Filed to: Tesla Satire

Today is an historic day. Elon Musk discussed the new software patch addressing the range problems for the Model S with a group at the SXSW Technology Conference.

Mr. Musk had a teleconference with the meeting, called the "Simplistic Holistic Intelligent Technology" discussion group, and detailed what he called a "way to get those bitchy motherf***ers off my back". A possibly inebriated Musk announced the "Range Leash", a GPS-Enabled tracking system that will not allow the vehicle to go more than 100 miles from the nearest charging location (including the owner's home).

If the vehicle goes outside of the predecribed area, the car turns on the new and greatly anticipated automated driving feature, pilots itself to the nearest lot, parks, locks the doors and windows, and turns on the heater for a solid hour (with all occupants still inside). It also calls a tow truck to take the car back home. When asked why Tesla would do this to it's consumers, Musk replied, "*BURP* Why the hell not?! 'Oh no, my car won't go to infinity on a single charge!' You wanna know what I say to that? I say 'Here's your cure, you whiney sons of bitches'. Where'd my bottle of Turkey go?!"

There was some confusion in the Austin Convention Center conference room, as the scents of patchouli and mustache wax permeated the audience. Musk abruptly left the call as it sounded like he was falling into a pool seconds before the line went dead.

I've reached out to Tesla and will report back when their PR department head, Elon Musk, returns my email.

DISCUSSION (7)

qbeezy > PatBateman
03/16/2015 at 20:10

Id give you more stars if I could. There r really shouldn't be any "range anxiety"considering the plethora of charging stations. Hell we even have one at my work 10 miles from downtown in an industrial park.

PatBateman > qbeezy
03/16/2015 at 20:19

They're few and far between in Texas.

qbeezy > PatBateman
03/16/2015 at 20:30

I'll say I've seen 4 chargers in Tulsa. Granted not as many as you would see in a major costal city. But that's where most buyers are anyways.

ZHP Sparky, the 5th > qbeezy
03/16/2015 at 20:36

270ish miles from a charge is par for the course compared to most gasoline cars from a single tank- and how often do most people fuel up? For 98% of regular activity that is more than enough range if you go about your daily routine and plug back in at the end of the day (or at work).

When it comes to longer roadtrips, I can sort of see range anxiety being a concern- but how often do most car owners take 250+ mile roadtrips? For those instances, most people buying a $70k+ car will either have multiple other cars in their household to choose from, be able to afford renting a car, or in many cases be able to coordinate with the Supercharger network for when they can't charge up at an overnight hotel or pit stop.

Personally, I don't think this range anxiety excuse has much merit - it is more fear of the unknown/different, than anything else. The charging network will grow, charging technology will improve, cheaper cars with good range will come out (Model 3, etc.)...I love old school I/C engines as much as any jalop and will keep them in my stable for as long as I am able to, but it's undeniable that there is a huge market in the future for electric cars. I'm curious to see what information they're going to release this week.

qbeezy > ZHP Sparky, the 5th
03/16/2015 at 20:43

I'm pretty excited to see the future of electric cars. If the annoucement thursday is ablut extending the range, it will probably be on par with a traditional engine. To come this far with electric vehicles in such a shirt amount of time is amazing. I think electric cars will be more mainstream in the next 20 years. Which I'll be purchasing one.

Alan Dean Foster > PatBateman
03/18/2015 at 13:55

Everything is "far between" in Texas. It's Texas.

PatBateman > Alan Dean Foster
03/18/2015 at 14:01

Thus is the problem with electric cars in Texas.